When unpacking your religion, courageously looking your doubts about god square in the eye, be comforted by realizing that this is not dissimilar to other relationships. Think back on your first impressions of your now-close friends. What was your impression of them then, and how has it changed since you’ve gotten to know them better? Perhaps your first impression of them was influenced by something you’d heard about them from another, and later you discovered first-hand that was inaccurate information about their character. What if the same is happening, right now, with God? Could it be that you’re just clearing up a misinformed first impression?
God was always there, and was always good. You were just unable to understand how good, until perhaps now. Big enough to accept and understand all your doubts and see them with a compassionate eye, without any judgment or punishment. All of you is very understandable and acceptable to a very, very big Love intelligence we call God.